6 years

it's been 6 years since i started writing here. so much has changed and evolved since then. i'm a different person now and i think that is reflected in my writing style. this blog has a co-writer -cl- which actually kept this blog alive when i was struggling to keep up with the pace of my job and the balance of having a life outside of it.

make no mistake, keeping this blog going does take effort but i'm glad it's still here. there were times when i looked back and the memories triggered by reading the past is sometimes amazing. the emotions flooding back, the details of the moment.

anyway, just another milestone for this blog and i'll end it with a few pics taken from a beach along jln maulana, kb. that's where i go for a jog and vent all the pent up emotions (positive and negative alike) after a long day. it's on rare occasion these days for me to find the time to do that anymore - work's getting piled up and the fact that it gets dark early here does not help...

Airport

Airport? I just don't like it. Although I'm waiting at the arrival gate and seeing everyone smiling, waving, kissing, hugging instead of sending people off at departure gate still the uneasy feeling is squeezing into my body through every single skin pore. The cool air in the airport, in this place is just not right.

I haven't been to many airports as other expatriate or frequent traveller. There are only a few airports that I am familiar with. No matter how well I know the airport, for example, KLIA, it is still giving me the annoying feeling. Yes, I knew it well. I know where is the WC, McD, shop, cafe, rest... Will that make me feel better? No.

Furthermore when we talk about the flight delay, rushing for transit, confiscate item by the custom, problem with the immigration officer, sending the loved one to another place, it is a sad place. (Luckily we are holding Malaysia passport which has no problem with visa when we are entering most of the countries in the world) I remember clearly that there is once when sending Nic to Brunei/Labuan/wherever, we saw an indian lady cried so badly while waving to her guy. The tears on her face, unforgettable. It is rare to see someone so emotional at KLIA! Malaysian are more conservative and usually will hide their emotion to themselves. You only can see people with red eye but not sobbing.

You may said that it is a happy place when you are waiting at the arrival gate. If we compare the amount of sending people off and picking up people, I believe, KLIA still is an unhappy airport. Because Malaysia is not a famous tourist country or working place. People who are going out always more than coming back.

Airport, the sorrow place.

ps: start this post while waiting for my mum at PVG

兵士

一位好的兵士不选择战场
一位好的兵士为荣誉而冲锋
一位好的兵士会聆听他的心
一位好的兵士会适可而止

没有任何东西比信仰更神圣
没有任何东西比信任更有价值
没有任何东西比忠诚更重要
没有任何东西比背叛更可鄙

这个舞台，终极的竞技场
冲吧，冲向战役
站起来吧，站前去，被察觉
别退缩，每个机会都是最后一次

今天的决定，明天才感觉到
涟漪般的抉择，海浪般的后果
游荡在过去，将会停歇不进
疑惑着未来，也会停歇不进

wrote this last week i think, it's been a while. wanted to post it but something about it doesn't feel right. so instead, i wanted to translate it to another language just for fun. thought of using google translate but with past experiences, i didn't want this to turn out sounding stupid as well if i were to translate it into spanish or german. so instead, i asked cl to help me do it. here it is in mandarin. the original i'll post it in the comments of this post.

ps: does it sound better in mandarin or english?

Wedding

Nic and I used to discuss about the wedding that happen around us.

We don't see any couple around us are steeping into the church because of love, pure love.

Or pure love only happen in fairy tale?

Wedding to your couple is no longer a 'big' thing, a once-in-a-lifetime ceremony.

Everyone got their own reason get marry. But, I have never hear anyone who said it is because of love.

Either because of pregnant, parent, getting old - age, or assigning job location (few of my teacher friend are getting marry because they don't wish to be assign to too far away from Penang)...

Can someone? Someone out there tell me that they want to walk down the aisle because of love?Because I love him? I want to spend the rest of my life with him?

Anyone?

Don't get me wrong. I know of course you love her/him too, if not you won't marry her/him. However, there are always so many reality issue that we need to bring into discussion when we talk about a marriage/wedding which make it no longer a wonderful experience. Budget for wedding, difficulty to book a hotel for wedding dinner, problem to reserve a good photographer or make up artist, accommodation and transportation for relative/friend to come down to the town...

Conclusion, no fairy tale. Wedding will never be a fun experience. =)

Beijing

Tian An Men Square

Beijing – a capital with several thousand years of history. I am enjoying the city not only by the historical value but also the cultural and art. Over here, you can find a lot of youngster who are active in drama, creating their own handcraft product, selling their own music album, designing their own cloth, accessory. People are talking about art, fashion, politic, music. It is something that we lack at Malaysia especially among Chinese who only concern about how much we earn per month.

Forbidden city

This palace is attractive due to the history behind it. If you walk into the Forbidden City without the explanation and understand the story behind it, every building that left behind nowadays is just an empty body without soul. I got myself a narrator machine when I was there. Forbidden city just give me a uneasy feeling while I was listening to all the ancient story. A well that Empress was being push down and drowned, a hall to rest all the Emperor’s coffin before bury, a tree that an Emperor hang himself when his dynasty was ended. Nic used to say before that the blood during war is cannot blame on any party since it is a war, no right and wrong. However, when you are stepping on the floors which full of blood, recall all the fighting far behind few thousand years ago among human for the sake of fame, status, money…

Amidst all the building inside The Forbidden City, I love the Imperial garden the most!! No wonder lots of the HK’s drama, those Empresses like to go “Hao Fa Yun” to enjoy the flowers and garden. Not forget to mention about all the collections inside the palace those jade, craving and ceramic are really astonish.

Great Wall

Don’t ask me why but it doesn’t hit me hard. It doesn’t give me a strong impact compare to the Colosseum which is much smaller in scale. When I saw Colosseum for the firs time, I can imagine how spectacular it is when the building is standing still….everyone in the city is flocking into Colosseum for the Gladiator games. The image is so clear in my mind as if I was there to see it with my own eye. Somehow The Great Wall just didn’t able to give me such feeling. Is it because of the crowd? My friend, Theresa leave comment on my FB’s picture said that I should go to “Wild” Great Wall - Jinshanling instead of those tourist orientated section of The Great Wall. I might have stronger bond with this one of Seven Wonders of the World more from there. But, who knows? I heard from one of my ex-coll who visited Taj-Mahal said that Taj-Mahal looks magnificent from a distance too ( I saw his picture even with a normal DC it looks wow...). Wish that I am able to visit Machu Picchu one day then I shall see which one can connect to my heart more.

In the end, The Great Wall is still great of course. When you look at it, you just can’t find the end of the wall as if it is going to the end of the world. It is hard to imagine how much blood had been sacrificed to stack up this pile of bricks and stones. (why am I keep on mentioning about blood in this post?)

Yi He Yuan/Summer Palace

The over-rated Peking Duck – Quan Ju de. I know that many people advice it is not necessary to visit this particular restaurant although it is there since 1864 and famed among all Beijing’s delicacy. Nevertheless I feel that I only there for once in a life time then why not have the most classic restaurant? Ya ya ya…typical Asian tourist mentality. Hehehe…And it is pricey!! RM55 per single person meal with that little plate of roasted duck! One of the missed out in this trip is I don’t have the chance to drink tea at Lao She Tea House)

End the post with a picture. I am kinda lazy to blog nowadays because it is really troublesome to do so at China. So the sustainability of this blog have to depend back on it’s real owner in near future. =)

fight or flight?

it's an overused phrase. with so many other versions to it. but it's one of those phrases which haunts me. over decisions made. over decisions about to be made. am i a fighter or am i a runner? wish i was a fighter but i've taken flight before.

there were moments when the challenge i faced before me was so frightening. so unnerving, so very intimidating that i did not even consider any other option. i turned and i ran.

i ran once when i was 15. once more when i was 17.

these moments made me feel small. i made up reasons. trying to convince the people around me that i wasn’t running away from the challenge. i just had something else that needed my attention. but i could not deceive myself. could not even convince those around me. i know they knew. and that just made it worse i think. and every time i ran, the journey back was tough. never easy to face the demons of the past.

throughout my childhood and teenage life, i tried doing what i wanted to do. what i thought was right. it’s not always unchartered territories. but i would like to think that i’ve had my share of adventures. not exactly the road less travelled by. not the common highway too. in the end, a few years from now, who will i see in the mirror?

i don't expect to see the giant i want to be.

i hope i don't see the dwarf i've been avoiding as well.

a view inside the big white mosque in abu dhabi - reminds me of elvish carvings. pic has nothing to do with the post though... =)

...

choices. decisions.

work. life.

balance.

hopes. dreams.

Girl - Emotion Controlled Creature

One of my close friend just started a relationship lately. Congratz my friend - Kitt. Glad that she manage to find a great guy.

She used to complain about the whole world to me. Everything in this world are poking her eyes and end each chatting sentence with a sigh or a angry tone. But now...thing had change.

The same issue which happen a month before and today. The exactly same incident and people but the way she describe is no longer the same anymore.

Today, when she is telling me that incident, she end each sentence with a 'haha' or smiley face.

Women....Girl....Emotion Controlled Creature. =)

Don't you think so?

Love is in the air

-on behalf of cliu-

suicide 2

gliding through the air like an eagle
life flashes through, a smile on my face
the end is approaching, a hard tarmac
my heart skips a beat, i am afraid

first property

recently made my first financial commitment by buying a unit in perdana residence 2. spa was signed, bank loan approved and construction's ongoing. i think it'll be a decent place to live in. brickfields is currently getting too hectic and too crowded real quick. it'll be ready in 3 years though. still a long time and everything could change by then. who knows huh? i might not even be residing in malaysia. but i think 3 years is a pretty decent period don't you think so? could even be time to consider starting a family of my own by then... don't think too far ahead, it's just a thought here...

show house of perdana residence 2

anyway, the fact that this purchase even materialize, it's all down to my parents - they sourced out the house, went to the launching of the property and had the down payment paid... i just did the follow up and everything was pretty much just going with the flow... and since it's an incomplete property at that time, sourcing for a bank loan wasn't too tricky as well. only 2 panel banks and once i talked to both of them, the choice was simple.

third row on the right, second unit from the right - home sweet home?

on behalf of cliu

要怎么另两个曾经想恋的人去承认逝去的爱情？

要怎么另两个曾经爱过彼此的人去接受以后的日子我们应该只是朋友？

没有大吵大闹，没有第三者，那要怎么结束一段恋情？

要怎么走出一段漂亮的回忆？

曾经憧憬的未来，来不及走向它。

曾经完美的过去，为什么不延续地走向我？

back in kl

been back in kl since last weekend. but have been ever so busy since. haven't had much time for myself or to meet up with old friends. when was the last time i've not been busy? i can't remember. activity's supposed to have slowed down. yet, i've only had a weeks worth of vacation during cny since last july.

lately, i've been having a weird feeling. whenever i receive a job from someone and i delay them, i would feel as though i've put off the job forever. but once it's done and i checked how long it has been since i received the mail/call for the job, it'll only be a couple of days. never more than a week. not only that. events that happened last week feels like it's occurred last month. i'm losing perception of time. i'm losing sense of what's happening around me too.

cl told me a few days ago that i've got my priorities wrong. i've sacrificed myself and those around me in my focus on my job. in wanting to get things done, i've pushed aside everything else. is that true? i don't know. i don't necessarily agree to it, but if she could say that and my parents could say that, it has to mean something. right? i guess in my shortcomings as a person, inadvertently is my strength as an employee. i hope it is or all this would be so worthless.

anyway, just this one project. once this project in the ground, i will re-evaluate my position in the company. and where i stand on achieving my goals - personal and professional. perhaps then i'll need to search for a new challenge. a new environment. till then, my blood is blue i guess.

a brand new day

woke up to a cloudy day. wonders if those clouds are a reflection of my mood this morning. not too excited about getting up from bed. a hot shower - yes, that would clear up the fog surrounding my mind. and a cup of hot coffee, that usually wakes me up and get's me in gear for the day. but why am i still struggling this morning? it'll clear up by lunch, i'm sure of that. work's pilling up by the second. i just need to divide and conquer. an age old war tactic that works well almost everywhere and in every situation. so easily distracted i find myself. losing focus every minute. need to shake this off. need to improve the situation.

had a relaxing lunch - a good dependable half time pep talk. had a fairly smooth meeting. things seem to be picking up. did nothing much after the meeting but generally felt better. no idea why. list of things to do is still a mile long. and more than half of it was due yesterday. decided to close up early in the office. well early is early for me.

after that, a good dinner. always a good way to end the day. after dinner, a good bottle of wine and a good conversation. enjoyable company. it is much appreciated, especially after such a long week. and now, in front of my laptop, looking at a spreadsheet that i've been staring at for the past couple of days. i think i'm going to shut down.

tomorrow will be a brand new day. i don't know if it'll be better or worse. but it'll be a brand new day.

5 questions

1) is there anything or anyone in this world that you would die for?

2) what is the one principal that you've always believed in and still hold on to?

3) would you look back at a life filled with regret or laughter?

4) have you ever taken the fall for someone or something you've believed in?

5) when you look in the mirror, what do you see?

think hard before answering. write it down. come back in 6 months. will your answers still be the same?

medical...

in the waiting room of colombia asia, miri at the moment waiting for my scheduled medical check up.
you know what this means? i've been working for almost 3 years now that my previous medical is expiring.
i know i've always said this but it still never ceases to amaze me how time flies... 3 years...
and i can still recall the interview sessions with slb like it was yesterday...
anyway, i always get nervous with medicals - i hate needles!
i dun mind everything else really but needles?

ps: posting from my blackberry so the format might seem different...

how is everyone?

lately been finding it tough to write anything that reflects my true emotions. distractions of my everyday life. the dark reflections of the voices in my head. excuses or not, i don't even try to write these feelings down. afraid of what i'll find out. afraid of hurting ppl around me. they say life's a cycle - one moment you're up, another you're down. if that's true, with the depth of my depression at the moment, i think life owes me a lifetime of ecstatic joy... if only that's ever true.

probably it's not as bad as it seems or feels. maybe it's just me putting on a negative spin on everything in life. just to be a little bit more dramatic. just to create that little bit more suspense in my otherwise routine life. just maybe...

anyway, no point confusing you my avid readers any longer. and it's worthless trying to get to the bottom of my turbulent emotions as it'll just go on and on and on - endlessly. instead, let's talk about something else. something with more substance to it.

i hear somewhere that earth hour is coming up again. last year, i've supported it. but now, i feel it's another one of those cliché "feel good" events that floods the world these days. just because you stop using electricity for an hour, does not make you an environmentalist. wat good does an hour do against all the other pollutions still going on in every part of the world? some would say it's better than nothing. but that's exactly the mentality that brought us to where we are today. was crossing the border of miri/brunei last week and saw several spots of bush fire (due to the searing heat more than anything else) and suddenly feels as though the world is failing under a huge burden. and unfortunately, we're a massive portion of that burden.

there are a couple more things i want to write about but this post has turned out to be so gloomy, i dun wanna continue writing here. i'll save those for a lighter post.

ps: this blog will be without the presence of cl for a while. she's in shanghai, china for now on a new job assignment and as we all know, china's blocked out numerous sites on the www and unfortunately blogspot is one of them. ridiculous, i know, but i don't want to elaborate more or they'll probably locate my house and nuke me out of the face of the earth... =P

silent emotions

shakespeare i am not
mozart, far from it
words do not flow with ease
rhyme and rhythm eludes me

patience i plead you
listen to what i have to say
listen to what i have not said
listen with your heart

turbulence of emotion builds
inside me with no relief
searching, seeking, feeling
tearing me apart from within

look into my eyes, my soul
see and understand, i pray
it's simple and innocent
i love you, i love you

i have not written any sort of article in a very long while. i guess you can judge it be the ever dropping frequency of post being published here. however, that does not mean that i have lost the love/ passion to write, just probably the emotion and the means to express it. been very robotic lately. everything comes with a yes or no decision and nothing excites me too much these days. anyway, since it is the start of a new year, thought i'd give myself a little nudge to start writing again and see where it goes from here...

experimental pics

the last time i was back in kl, i actually made the effort to go take some quick shots that i've always wanted to try ever since i got my d60. and since lately words are hard to come by for me to write anything at all in this blog, i'll just put up a couple of the pics i took from that night... btw, these pics were taken on the 30th of Dec 2009...

these pics were taken of a pedestrian bridge close to my home in brickfields. used to spend a lot of time there when i was a kid. still remember the walks with mum and we'll just stand on the bridge coz i was always amazed at how the bridge seems to be moving when i look down at the river (too young to understand relative motion) - the pedestrian bridge crosses the klang river and the federal highway... speaking of those walks, i dun remember much in detail but the memory gives me a warm, cozy feeling always...

and on the way back home, cl says one of the hardest objects to capture with a normal camera is the moon. so i gave it my best shot. what do you think?

2009 annual review

i know everyone's been saying this title is way too formal, but what the heck - i like it... =)

anyway, i've promised myself to write this down. not for anyone else but for my own record. it's amazing how much we all change over the years and this would be a good reminder in years to come how 2009 turned out to be for me.

january 2009

started out the year with a splendid break up north in thailand. spent a couple of weeks there in bangkok and pattaya and had a great time with cl - perfect weather, rich culture, great food, nice ppl, pretty girls and pretty "girls"... =)

february 2009

zh's wedding! made it a point not to miss this one after missing out on ang's big day. and no regret as it was a beautiful ceremony. never imagined would see the day zh walks down the aisle... hahaha...

spent the longest time onboard the ss3. would also like to think of it as one of the more successful campaign ss3 had in south furious. had my ups and downs on this campaign. had a stop card written against me by the csr for not going to sleep!

march 2009

back on land from ss3

april 2009

spent some time in miri. back in kl for a weekend for the us visa application. back to labuan and managed to squeeze in 2 ves jobs in kikeh on the west setia and ocean rover.

may 2009

furthest trip i've ever made to this day. kl - doha - houston - tulsa. the start of my second/ leader school for slb.

june 2009

still in tulsa for the slb school. definitely the best time i've had since i joined slb. great class, great time. 11 ppl from 9 different countries - malaysia (1), colombia (2), brazil (1), usa (2), china (1), russia (1), hungary (1), france (1), cameroon (1). unfortunately did not do as well as i did in the first school. ended up second in class.

july 2009

after 6 months being away from cl, spent a couple of weeks with her in san fransisco, vegas and disneyland california. most memorable vacation i've had with cl (and most expensive!!!)... =)

at the end of the month, went back to labuan for a day before heading onto brunei on sta...

august 2009

was on bima for my first ohgp job. turned out to be a really "interesting" job. a lot of question mark still remains about what actually happened.

september 2009

second ohgp job. operational nightmare. enough said.

october 2009

third ohgp job. almost lost a well. recovered. and recovered well. for the first time since i joined slb, i felt that i've been pushed (physically and mentally) so far that i started to question myself. remember waking up and staying in bed thinking - what the heck am i doing here?!

november 2009

was registered for an ohgp class in kl. was truly glad for the chance to be back home. and this was the start of 2 hectic months of travelling between kl, miri and brunei.

december 2009

was in brunei for a week for a yard test. was in miri a couple of days. but most memorable moment? being able to spend xmas eve at home. first time after joining slb.

ps: i actually wrote this down in the first week. thought of adding in pics of all the events - especially our trips to bangkok/ pattaya and san fransisco/ vegas/ disneyland. but that delayed this post for 2 weeks. so here it goes. i don't wanna post this entry in the second month of the year waiting for the pics... =/

happy new year everyone!!!

可爱女人

时不时会听到男人要一个独立的女人。

一个会给他们自由，时间的女人。一个有自己节目的女人。不是那种男人没在身边就会死的女人或者那种一点点小事就喊着她的男人过来的女人。

可是，男的。。。你们知不知道，我们喊你们的时候，你们是应该觉得幸福的。

当屋子，车子，链子都是我自己买的时候，我还要你来干嘛?

当灯泡，水喉，电脑都是我自己解决时，我还要男的吗？

男人们，当你们说要一个独立女人时，想想再说吧！

所以嘛，还是小女人可爱。